Wake Up: You Have Swine Flu

Soon enough you’ll have a little piggy tail to match your sniffling snout, nose deep in the home-sty littered with the corpses of the unfortunate. The World Health Organization might as well boost its rating to a Level 6 pandemic because H1N1 is here, right now, in your town. I myself stocked up on Tamiflu years ago when the last ‘animal’s viral vengeance against man’ swept through; good luck, suckers.

But to be completely honest, you’re more likely to be trampled to death by a herd of flu-panicked hypochondriacs at the pharmacy than actually die from the Swine Flu. Since January of this year, the ‘regular’ flu has killed over 13,000 people in the United States (see http://www.cnn.com/2009/HEALTH/04/28/regular.flu/index.html). Influenza: 13,000. Swine Flu: 5. So why did I even bring this issue to your attention? Because its bullshit propagated by the news media to woo you. Totally unfair. I should have a free shot at warming your heart/loins with some Bush-era fear tactics too.

!!!!!!!!YOU’S GONNA DIE!!!!!!!!

©2009 jakefunc

Feeling erect and perky yet? My interest was peaked this week at the office water-cooler, that’s for certain. “Oh did you hear? SWINE FLU! Do you know anyone who’s been to Mexico? I think the janitor is a Mexican…” Everyone and their babies’ momma has ‘easy foam cleanser’ and anti-bacterial spray at their desks—as if such an effort will stand between them and the inevitable.

No one seems to remember the last 5 times prior when someone sick contaminated the entire workplace. Sure, wash your hands, Lysol your keyboard, avoid that pale, deathly looking dude the next cubicle down; what about that doorknob, the pop machine, the ‘close talker’… and that’s just work. What about your friends. Your family. TACO BELL? Yes. To the pharmacy. Tamiflu. Now.

Disease spreads. It spreads even easier these days because of the thorough integration of everyone and everything in our society. You may very well consider malignant microbes to be Weapons of Mass Destruction (WMD). Some food for thought: Amongst many other methods of wreaking havoc, from suitcase nukes to chemical sprays to compromised-radiation bombs, the ‘suicide cougher’ is the cheapest, most effective, most clandestine method to spread death.

It’s easy: infect yourself with smallpox, get on a plane when you’ve rendered yourself contagious to the max, breathe a lot. The plane recycles the air, the other passengers breathe as well, get off the plane, frolic through the airport, disperse into the area, all the while not knowing the awful fate they’ve just assumed and spread to everyone in their lives. By the time the government or the CDC or whoever knows, it is simply too late to react. Pandemic. That’s basically how the Swine Flu got here: visitors to Mexico contracted the disease and returned to the U.S. Their symptoms rose weeks later, long after any effort to close the border could stop it.

How do you protect yourself from such malice?

NOOOOOO!

NOOOOOO!

WWJD? Shoot first, let God sort them out later.

jakefunc is a contributing writer for projectgroupthink.wordpress.com. Get instant updates for this blog via Twitter: PGTblog.

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4 Comments

Filed under Entertainment, Politics, science

4 responses to “Wake Up: You Have Swine Flu

  1. eelliso1

    I was just as intrigued by the tags as the actual post. I thought everyone was going to die of bird flu, but I guess I am behind the times. I think a great deal about antibiotics, antibacterial body wash, hand soap, dish soap, hand sanitizer. While I like to be as germ free as the next person–as a society we are reducing our body’s natural ability to fight these nasty bugs. Let your kids PLAY IN THE DIRT people! Hell let them eat a little dirt. Let them play with the kid who has a cough, hopefully next time around their bodies can fight it off–maybe even fight something off that is a little stronger.

  2. davidrsheehan

    Good point on relative threats of normal flu vs. swine flu. The difference is that normal flu picks off (mostly) the aged or the very young. Swine flu was killing people in their 20s-50s (who have fully-formed immune systems). I still think it’s waaay blown out of proportion, but at least let’s be fair that there is a difference.

    I think the more interesting things about the swine flu phenomenon are 1) the media’s reaction and 2) everyone else’s reaction.

    Remember when everyone was going to get anthrax in the mail and we had to all buy duct tape and plastic to seal off the windows of our house? Or how about Notre Dame’s controversy over letting Obama (that’s right, our president) speak at Commencement.

    It really boils down to the media being bored since they’re not out there actually investigating or reporting on anything actually worth out time or interest. A bored journalist is an irresponsible one.

    Second point is multi-faceted, but I’ll just focus one specific reaction: racism. Yes, that word that flares its ugly head every so often (and by that I mean any day that ends in “y” in some southern states).

    This whole swine flu out of Mexico has led to some really nasty, horrible things being charged against Mexico. What is it about micro-organisms that threaten that we can somehow link it to our own insecurities and societal ignorance?

    If the swine flu came from Canada or Switzerland, would we have this problem? Probably not… but we could always blame it on immigrant workers.

    In closing, my second point is that I’m never lacking reasons to lose faith in the decency of the majority of people. For an atheist, I feel I have more than my fair share of faith to keep smiling at the world.

  3. Po

    The new fear is that this current strand of swine flu is going to mutate into SUPER SWINE FLU within several months and wipe out 99% of the population. It kinda reminds me of Stephen King’s “The Stand” (friggin’ awesome book). They keep bringing up the 1918 Spanish Flu pandemic that killed a zillion people, but they fail to mention that medicines then were pretty archaic. Between this and the economy I just can’t sleep at night, we’re all gonna die!!!

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