America is a nation beleaguered by cultural problems. Homicide, criminal sociopathic behavior, drug and alcohol abuse, teen pregnancy, abortion, greed, selfishness, apathy, ego-mania… other countries just don’t seem to have these problems; other 1st world countries anyways. The United States boasts the strongest economy and military in the whole entire world, yet we still struggle to suppress these basic, almost primitive actions and behaviors. What is it that’s holding us back?
These problems arise from an infatuation with penises. Large ones. There’s nothing an American loves more that an erect cock penetrating a vagina, ass, mouth, anonymous orifice, whatever, and its even better if its even BIGGER. And why do Americans love such enormous phalluses? Because we’ve got’em.
That’s right; America, the great melting pot, seems to have gotten the best the world has to offer. Why not celebrate your freedom this Fourth of July by hoisting the Red, White and Blue up your gargantuan manhood? You don’t even need to crunch the numbers on this one folks; it’s been lying there, all the while, right in front of our faces.
Ever wonder why the Pilgrims made their way across the Atlantic? It wasn’t their Puritan beliefs, but their most prodigious pipe-laying that had them exiled by penis-envious Anglicans. Soon enough, big dicked destitutes from around the world were embarking for America. And yes, the mass importation of African slaves only boosted this worrying statistic to new heights.
Here’s the raw data:
According to the U.S. Census in 2006, America is 72% White, 14% Hispanic, and 13% Black. Now check out these penis stats:
Average Length (inches)
Average Girth (inches)
Booyah! That’s some All-American pride there! Although I guess it’s really just excluding Asians. Sorry guys, maybe in the next 100 years you’ll rise to racial genitial glory.
Oh. Oops. I forgot that my entire point revolved around how these big dicks are causing all the problems in America.
jakefunc is a contributing writer for projectgroupthink.wordpress.com. Get instant updates for this blog via Twitter: PGTblog.