The Big Dick Hypothesis

America is a nation beleaguered by cultural problems. Homicide, criminal sociopathic behavior, drug and alcohol abuse, teen pregnancy, abortion, greed, selfishness, apathy, ego-mania… other countries just don’t seem to have these problems; other 1st world countries anyways. The United States boasts the strongest economy and military in the whole entire world, yet we still struggle to suppress these basic, almost primitive actions and behaviors. What is it that’s holding us back?

These problems arise from an infatuation with penises. Large ones. There’s nothing an American loves more that an erect cock penetrating a vagina, ass, mouth, anonymous orifice, whatever, and its even better if its even BIGGER. And why do Americans love such enormous phalluses? Because we’ve got’em.

Message to Kevin Sorbo and Peter Steele: Please stop destroying America.

Message to Kevin Sorbo and Peter Steele: Please stop destroying America.

That’s right; America, the great melting pot, seems to have gotten the best the world has to offer. Why not celebrate your freedom this Fourth of July by hoisting the Red, White and Blue up your gargantuan manhood? You don’t even need to crunch the numbers on this one folks; it’s been lying there, all the while, right in front of our faces.

Ever wonder why the Pilgrims made their way across the Atlantic? It wasn’t their Puritan beliefs, but their most prodigious pipe-laying that had them exiled by penis-envious Anglicans. Soon enough, big dicked destitutes from around the world were embarking for America. And yes, the mass importation of African slaves only boosted this worrying statistic to new heights.

Here’s the raw data:

According to the U.S. Census in 2006, America is 72% White, 14% Hispanic, and 13% Black. Now check out these penis stats:

Average Length (inches)

White: 6.25

Black: 6.9

Hispanic: 6.2

Asian: 5.45

Average Girth (inches)

White: 4.5

Black: 4.6

Hispanic: 4.45

Asian: 4.2

I also found this chart that seemed oddly genitalia shaped... (courtesy Wikipedia)

I also found this chart that seemed rather oddly shaped... (courtesy Wikipedia)

Booyah! That’s some All-American pride there! Although I guess it’s really just excluding Asians. Sorry guys, maybe in the next 100 years you’ll rise to racial genitial glory.

Oh. Oops. I forgot that my entire point revolved around how these big dicks are causing all the problems in America.

Sources:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Human_penis_size
http://www.buzzfeed.com/jonny5/penis-size-chart-by-ethnicity-aub
http://www.articledashboard.com/Article/Average-Teenage-Penis-Growth-Size-Develpoment-With-Chart/236091

Also, here’s a fellow weighing his junk against a sack of gold.

jakefunc is a contributing writer for projectgroupthink.wordpress.com. Get instant updates for this blog via Twitter: PGTblog.

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4 Comments

Filed under Entertainment

4 responses to “The Big Dick Hypothesis

  1. Tom

    This is why i enjoy why reading what you write Jake. This reminds me of the Dicks, Assholes, and pussies quote from Team America.

    “We’re dicks (America)! We’re reckless, arrogant, stupid dicks. And the Film Actors Guild are pussies. And Kim Jong Il is an asshole. Pussies don’t like dicks, because pussies get fucked by dicks. But dicks also fuck assholes: assholes that just want to shit on everything. Pussies may think they can deal with assholes their way. But the only thing that can fuck an asshole is a dick, with some balls. The problem with dicks is: they fuck too much or fuck when it isn’t appropriate – and it takes a pussy to show them that. But sometimes, pussies can be so full of shit that they become assholes themselves… because pussies are an inch and half away from ass holes. I don’t know much about this crazy, crazy world, but I do know this: If you don’t let us fuck this asshole, we’re going to have our dicks and pussies all covered in shit!”

  2. Peter Steele…a gentleman and a scholar.

  3. Yeah, I like this post. I think Black guys are the ones who have the longest penis. Asian men have shortest penis. However, it is different in how tall a man is. Some tall guys have short penis while short guys have long penis. Anyway, the penis size is not everything to get a woman satisfied. It is also about the girth as well. So, I think size does matter to some women.

  4. My spouse and I absolutely love your blog and find nearly all of your
    post’s to be just what I’m looking for. Would you offer guest writers to write content for you?
    I wouldn’t mind writing a post or elaborating on a few of the subjects you write related to here.
    Again, awesome weblog!

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