The United States, it seems, is finally functioning as a diplomatic entity in ways that do not involve the use of force. Things went well in Obama’s talk with Russia, and even though he wagged a big ol’ American finger at Iran and Honduras, he did so without actually bringing out the big guns. Or any guns at all, really.
First, may I say: a thousand huzzahs to Barrack Obama! The United States officially has a foreign policy that does not rely solely on guns, penis envy, and not messing with Texas. But don’t get too comfy, Honduras – Barrack says know your damn role!
So: what’s the deal with China? A hundred and fifty six people are reported dead after ethnic riots in Urumqi, and the government has shut down media coverage around the area – a series of events which seems startlingly reminiscent of the ordeal in Tehran; which earned the Iranians the above-mentioned finger-wagging. Insofar as my research shows, however, the People’s Champ has been noticeably silent regarding these issues.
I have cogitated on this matter, and comprised the following list of possible explanations.
1) There are just too damn many people in China. In a city of two million people, one might imagine that 156 people die every minute without the help of race riots – perhaps from ordinary causes, such as heart attacks and swine flu?
2) China is a military powerhouse, if only we forego the possibility of naval warfare. It only makes sense, then, that China is planning a team-up with the Royal British Navy for all new-millenium ass-kicking endeavours. Imagine, a whole fleet of Kung Fu masters sailin’ into port, rockin’the Union Jack and takin’ no prisoners. What president would fuck with that unholy might?
3) Barrack’s finger is tired from all the wagging at Iran and Honduras. This has left many Americans disheartened, but at least we’re raising the politically appropriate finger under this administration’s foreign policy.
4) Barrack really digs Mu Shu Pork. I have it on good authority that White House chefs are importing pure Mu Shu from Beijing, and that our leader has used the recent arms reduction to free up money for the development of a Mu Shu flavored super serum. Imagine President Obama, leapin’ buildings and spittin’ fire on upper-class white guys, taste buds aglow with that rich Mu Shu taste.
5) We simply have our heads too far up Senator McCarthy’s ass to survive without the cheap, Chinese knock-offs that so handily sate our capitalistic mania.
6) After Iran and Honduras, Barrack has decided not to piss anyone else off for awhile. This includes first lady Michelle Obama, whose advisors have recommended she use this window of pacification to score new drapes and her own vial of Mu Shu serum.
7) Barrack has been using the whole Kenyan/Islamic angle to hide the fact that he is actually Black Chinese; the direct male-line descendant of Genghis Kahn. America will therefore expand her empire into all formerly Mongol states as soon as Hillary finishes double-checking the blood test results.
8) After deficit financing a useless and morally unconscionable war with Iraq, America is so dependent on loan money from China and other countries that we’re playing some serious political kiss-ass. We can now only request that the utter fucking morons responsible for this never vote, speak, or otherwise allow their opinions to influence American action or policy again. I’m talkin’ to YOU, Karl Rove!
Redpillneo is a contributing writer fro ProjctGroupThink. Follow us on Twitter via the username PGTblog – all the cool kids are doing it!