You Too Can Be President

As the days pass from President Barack Obama’s inauguration we find ourselves looking to 2012, the next presidential election; the future is always at hand (the leading cable news networks’ talking heads confirm this daily). And no one could find themselves more shit-out-of-luck than the good ole’ boys, the Republican Party. Earlier I thought that the party would split into two, smaller, more pitiful parties; maybe I was wrong. Oh well. Granted, even if Obama doesn’t manage to fix the U.S., or hell, screws it up more, there is a very small chance that he’ll be unseated; but I’m still left wondering who is going to be the new face of the G.O.P.

It could very well be you.

That’s right. You. The assuming, unaware, run-of-the-mill American. Do you remember your teachers in grade school telling you that “you could grow up to be President of the United States”? It’s true. Or almost true. You can at least run a campaign and be shot down by the mass public.

Mmmm... Sarah Palin, you are one dumb, sexy bitch.

Mmmm... Sarah Palin, you are one dumb, sexy bitch.

Just look at the potential nominees. Sarah Palin? That’s a real life American Dream come true; housewife turned mayor, turned governor, turned vice-presidential nominee. I think the requirements to be President have been trimmed down to U.S. citizenship and being able to read a teleprompter. Did you see the Republican Party’s reply to Obama’s inaugural address? Bobby Jindall is a fucking robot.

The rest of the field is just as bad. Mark Sanford is an adulterer (along with John McCain and Rudy Giuliani), Mitt Romney is a Mormon, Mike Huckabee loves Jesus, etc. etc. They’re all also totally out of touch with what the average American needs. This is where you come in: you’re that American. Who would know how to woo the votes of the average American better than the average American? Write down whatever it is you think and voila! Campaign platform!

What’s holding you back from the White House? Political ambition. You simply don’t have the networking power of any big name politician; which is why I’m telling you this now. You have 3 years to ascend to power and rob Obama of his high and mighty throne. It’s going to take hard work, blood, sweat and tears, and the brown-nosing of every Republican asshole you can find, but all you need is a belief in yourself (Yes I Can!) and the nomination will very well be yours.

jakefunc is a contributing writer of projectgroupthink.wordpress.com. Get instant updates for this blog via Twitter: PGTblog.

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2 Comments

Filed under Politics, social commentary

2 responses to “You Too Can Be President

  1. If you plan on running in the republican primary I have two words for you, “Ronald Reagan.” Those two words will moisten the loins of every female republican and make every man stand tall.

    Republicans love trickle-down economic policies like Ronnie’s Reaganomics. The trickle-down is little to non-existent at best, but the average American loves hearing about tax cuts, even when they don’t benefit and the upper 1% does.

    The word TAX is a derogatory word in politics. Just the mention of the word tax makes every American want to pull out their guns and take caution.

    So if you decide to run on the Republic party platform remember, “Reaganomics” and never use the word “TAX.” If you follows those simple rules along with with being against fundamental human rights you should easily slide into a top position in the government.

  2. Susan Halloran

    If that woman, Palin makes it anywhere near the whitehouse, I will either have to shoot myself or move out of the country. Not only is she a dimwit who I have no respect for, but I would lose all respect for the American public who voted her in. The last election was scary, and McCain was a dope who said ok to being running mates with her (shows his intelligence). You are indeed correct, all you had to do was watch Palin’s interviews to see anyone can be a politician!

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