Life’s simplest (and greatest) pleasure

Hello all, allow me to introduce myself. My name is Tommy, but you can call me Hello, Lion! (or HelloLion without the punctuation for you lazy, punctuation hating types). At the invitation of Red Pill Neo, I’m going to be writing things on this blog every Friday from now on for your reading pleasure. Now, I know what you’re thinking, “Hello, Lion! you are truly a gentleman and a scholar, and while we certainly trust that whatever subjects you choose to write about we will be thankful for what we get, perhaps you could just give us an idea of what wonders we may hope to behold each Friday, henceforth!”

Well, since you asked so nicely, I think it’s fair to tell you that, although I may drift about from subject to subject quite a bit, that I love music and I love to write about music, so you can expect that I will have a lot to say on the subject of what you should listen to, what genres are up and coming, what bands aren’t worth the instruments they play, and whatever else suits my fancy.

Today, however, is one of those days where I am drifting. I thought that I could, perhaps, give you, the faithful reader, a bit of extra insight into my character by writing about one of favourite simple pleasures in life.

In my not-so-humble opinion, one of the greatest pleasures in this world is taking a crap at work. For most people, taking a crap is one of the day’s least pleasant activities; it’s a disgusting, but tragically necessary function of the body that we all must observe regularly or pay dire consequences. Many people would avoid it altogether if they could, I’m sure, and I’ve known several people to try to, including my uncle who will not go number two anywhere but in the safety and privacy of his own home, even to the point of making himself ill. He’s not alone in this desire to keep his bathroom habits to himself, I’m sure. And I’m sure we’ve all been there, when you’re on a first date and you don’t want to excuse yourself to the bathroom so you just keep shifting around in your seat uncomfortably while your date raises an eyebrow at your sudden (or, depending on how well you do in these situations to begin with, not so sudden) awkwardness. However, much like sleeping, eating, drinking (water, not beer, that’s optional for most of us) and playing Super Mario Brothers, shitting is something we have to do whether we like it or not.

In spite of all that, there is one time where taking a crap is the best thing in the world, and that’s when you’re at work. “Why,” you ask, “is that so wonderful?” The answer is simple, you’re getting paid to do, that which is arguably the most unpleasant part of your day at any other time. Getting paid. To shit. It’s beautiful; you’re taking care of a natural process and wasting company time and money as you do so. What makes it even better is that it’s something that they can’t complain at you for doing. There are plenty of things it would be nice to get paid for doing (sleeping, smoking pot, brushing your teeth, playing with your cat, etc), and many of them are things you could technically do while at work, but you may find you don’t keep the job for very long if you do so, but who can get mad at you for shitting?

And if you’ve gotten to the end of this tiraid and you’re wondering, still, what’s so wonderful about shitting at work, look at it this way:

In some parts of the world you have to pay to go to the bathroom at places, so enjoy your paid shitting while you can!

HelloLion is a NEW regular contributor to project group think. You can follow us on twitter at pgtblog.

A small note: This post was supposed to debut on Friday, my chosen day for posting, due to technical errors that totally were not my fault this post was delayed until Saturday. We apologize for this mistake; it won’t happen again.

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2 Comments

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2 responses to “Life’s simplest (and greatest) pleasure

  1. Yay for shitting at work. As a professional student, this really doesn’t mean as much, but it does break up a two hour lecture quite nicely.

    Also, for the starving writer, toilet paper can easily be pilfered whilst shitting at work – every cent counts in the harsh world of bohemia. The best is to steal food from the comapny, and then shit it out before stealing the toilet paper, and probably more food.

    If your boss is an exceptional prick, steal the toilet paper, TP his/her place of residence, and celebrate with a banquet on company eats. When I worked for the dining halls, I always dreamed of stealing large boxes of food and leaving them around the freshman dorms – sort of a Robin Hood gesture to strike back at OU for their mandatory meal plans and goofily undersized portions. The plan never came to fruition, which saddens me, but it would have been priceless.

  2. Ahh, shitting. Really, it is a pleasurable experience. You can’t deny the relief felt when dropping a deuce. Getting paid for it? Even better!

    I can’t say that I will pinch one off at work, mainly because it is a public restroom with puddles of urine engulfing the toilet like a vast sea. If you’re getting paid for it, why not?

    One thing i enjoy is the smoke break. Where I work if it isn’t busy you go and have a smoke. It’s on the clock by the why. I can’t say it’s great for your health, but in an 8 hour day you can accumulate an hour of smoking and conversing, paid.

    So in 8 hours if you take a good healthy smash and smoke you can probably knock 1hr and 15 minutes off your day, and get paid for it.

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