Tag Archives: love

Maps.

Maps.

-:-

While we sit here knowing,
but not comprehending
why we are so different,
we stare at the sun.
Blindly, we forget–
it’s the same one.
Looking at our friends–
each one has a heart
bound to find us
happy?
We’re not so different
after all.

You’re one thing I can’t let go of…
you’re one person that I
cannot bear to lose.

Please don’t pick me away.
If I can’t be anything to you,
at least, let me scar you.
I just wanted to love you.
Ever since I knew you
I wanted to love you.

I remember the way you were
when you became angry.
You’d speak fast and you would storm
when you walked.
Something about you
empathized with me.

If I could say one thing, it’d be
I miss you, but most of all I wish
the best for you.
And I want to be free, but I feel that I cannot,
without you here.

My dreams may only be dreams,
but you stand there
in real life.

Our moments– speechless as they are,
feel like an eternity
in a different world.

Are you going to hold me again,
and tell me how I made you feel?
Or must I always imagine
the words you might say?
Was it all just a dream,
or did I grapple
through your words, through the way
we moved, that hey…
you loved me?

JadeAmethystt is a contributing writer for projectgroupthink.wordpress.com. Get instant updates for this blog via Twitter: PGTblog.

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Hypochondriacs Anonymous.

Yesterday a friend suggested something very probable to me. I may just be a hypochondriac. Like always, I researched this possibility. It affects 6% of the population, but I also don’t know how old that statistic is. It seems very low, but I could consider myself as being one.

When I was in 9th grade, after learning about STDs, I thought that I had an STD. I thought that I had genital warts. I began checking myself constantly for signs of STDs. I also thought that I was pregnant, and that running excessive miles in cross-country would make the baby go away. People, I was a virgin.

I had nothing wrong with me, except that I was advised by my doctor to get more Iron in my blood because I was close to having blood-deficiency.

Years passed in high school. When I began having sex, the worries began once again. I learned that I really, really loved sex. So I did it often. I used protection, minus 1 or 2 times. When I first came to college, I got tested for everything, including HIV/AIDS. Most people I know have A) Never had a blood test or B) Have them once a year, if not, less. Others do not go to the doctor when they “think” they have something, and others have unprotected sex when they know they have something, such as HPV.

Why do people do this? I don’t know and I can’t imagine their reasoning. Me, on the other hand, will wake up the next day after engaging in protected sexual activity, and think that I have somehow contracted HIV, warts, chlamydia, and gotten pregnant. These worries sometimes consume me to the point where my body begins creating fake symptoms. I have actually begun shaking, thoughts spinning in my head, keeping me up at night. I have put myself in cold sweats, and then gone on to think that it’s a sign of a disease. I have had body aches, and made myself believe it was a sign of HIV.

When these worries happen, I then begin to bother my past sexual partners– texting, calling– to ask them if they have had STDs. At the time of sexual encounter, this question was already asked. However, I have trouble actually believing the person.

Condoms are 97% effective against the transmission of STDs and HIV/AIDS if used correctly. This is true, right? This means that 97% of the time, I am safe from contracting a disease. Yet, months after my last sexual partner, I will still imagine that he has given me something, even if I have NO symptoms at all.

I have gotten yearly pap smears since I was 18. 2-3 of those years, I had returned to the doctor for more pap smears. This is excessive, but so are two blood tests a year. I have wasted hours in the waiting room and hours worrying at home. The final answer from my doctor has always been this: Your pap smear came back normal. Your blood test came back negative.

Since my last pap smear, I have had 8 sexual partners, due to my excessive drinking and black outs. 2 of these were unprotected, yet contributing to no symptoms of anything. The rest of these partners used condoms. Sex is something I love, and I do not really regret my decisions because of that. But I do regret that I waste so much time worrying. Currently, I believe that I have contracted herpes from an ex-hook up partner/boyfriend/guy I dated. I make myself believe that people have it out for me, and that they have plans to give me diseases. Currently, I also believe that I could be pregnant, even though my period came on time last month, I’ve gained no weight, and have no symptoms. Whenever I have PMS (breasts become tender, moods become irritable), I attribute it to pregnancy and head to the computer where I research all the symptoms, putting myself into a shaking nervous anxiety attack. Then my period will come on time.

I always misdiagnose ingrown hairs for genital warts or herpes. I check myself everytime I get out of the shower, unless I forget.

I don’t know why I have unprotected sex with some people, but that is completely my fault. If I should go to the doctor again for tests, it would be the third doctor visit in less than 6 months. It would also be my second blood test in one year.

Perhaps I should stop seeing the doctor, and instead, see a psychologist. As far as I know, I have HIV, herpes, gonorrhea, and HPV in the back of my throat. My neck currently aches, probably from all the worry and staring at an online medical database. I woke up with aching shoulders, probably from sleeping in angst.

You may be thinking, “Well, stop having sex.” or “Go get tested.”

My fears have become so irrational that I am trying, for once, to resist going to the doctor unless or until major symptoms should arise. I have always been careful, this is a fact, for at least 98% of the time. Each time I go to the doctor, I am told that I am fine. Also, I have been to the doctor so many times this year that I have reached my family insurance cap. I went a couple more times because I got a yeast infection and I had poison ivy, however I thought that the poison ivy was scabies. I knew I had a yeast infection, but I didn’t believe myself, and figured it was clamydia. I am always a nervous wreck. Now, I am trying to deal with the problems myself instead of getting in my car, running out for plan B, pregnancy tests, researching every STD known to humankind (including pictures of infected people, and comparing them to my perfectly healthy-looking private parts). I am trying, for once in my life, to be rational and put  my worries into other forms. Now, I’m trying to move on with my life and leave my worries behind. Having numerous body ailments = unrealistic. Cleaning my room = realistic.

I hope that I do not need therapy for this, but it may be a good idea. Whenever I see a therapist, I just sit in the chair and don’t really say anything. I think I’m a hypochondriac, but I also may just be faking the symptoms, even though my heart has been pounding and I’m feeling nervous as I’ve typed this entire thing.

I hope that you, the reader, can provide me with some helpful insights, aside from the old adage, “Get tested,” as I know my body very well and the rational part of my brain is beginning to say, “Do not worry unless you have a reason to.” Thank you for reading.

JadeAmethystt is a contributing writer for projectgroupthink.wordpress.com. Get instant updates for this blog via Twitter: PGTblog.

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How much do you love me? (Round to whole numbers)

I have a problem that my friends often make fun of me for, and that is praising the girls I date. That was confusing; let me start over. I have a problem, which is that when I start dating a girl, and people ask me about her, I tend to speak of said girl of the moment (we’ll think of her as Girl A) in rather, well, flattering terms. If someone asks, “How’s the girlfriend?” I say, “She’s awesome.” The problem arises when things go south with Girl A, we break up, an appropriate amount of time of being single passes, and I move on to the next girl (Girl B). This is where the so called issue arises, because it is at this point that my friends do things like ask, “How’s the girlfriend?” but now “the girlfriend” is Girl B, so when I respond, “She’s awesome,” they start to say things like, “You say that every time you start dating someone.”

Well sorry if I only date awesome girls. Next time I’m in the market for a girlfriend, you know what I’ll do? I’ll go find someone who’s just plain average, and when people ask, “How’s the girlfriend?” I’ll say, “Oh, not bad, not bad, could be better, but you know.”

Admittedly when this was first pointed out to me I thought maybe there was a problem with the way I spoke about the girls in my life. I mean, my friends were right, I did praise each new girlfriend so much that it was sometimes hard for them to tell how serious each relationship was in relation to one another. What I later realized was that it wasn’t my fault for being excited about each new girlfriend; that’s natural. The issue was that there simply isn’t any way to easily compare how you felt about Girl A to how you feel about Girl B.

The way I see it, in general I’ve used a set (and many other people I know have used a pretty similar set) of about five possible catagories for girls I’m interested in. These roughly come out to look like this:

Level 1: “She’s cute” – I find her somehow physically and/or mentally attractive, and other than that don’t think too much about it. She might have potential to move up on the scale but that’s yet to be seen.

Level 2: “I have a crush on her” – She’s proven that there are merits to her besides simple attractiveness and I’m ready to start making some small advances and seeing how it goes.

Level 3: “I like her” – The more I get to know this girl the more I’m sure she’s relationship material. At this point I’m probably ready to make a serious move.

Level 4: “I like her…A LOT” – If we’re not already dating something must be wrong, because I can’t get this girl out of my mind!

Level 5: “I love her” – Enough said.

Or is it enough said? Because I think this is where the problem lies. Love is a tricky word, because it really conveys a much wider range of emotion than one word can handle. I love my family, I love my girlfriend, I love music, I love shoes, I love sushi and I love lamp; all of these statements are true, none of them mean the same thing. People get that, though. If I tell you, “I love my mom,” and “I love my cat,” you (hopefully) realize that the word love has a different meaning in each of those two sentences. The problem arises when I say, “I love (Girl A),” and “I love (Girl B),” because you’ve mentally equated them as being equivilent. I might love Girl B two or three times as much as I love Girl A, but there’s no easy way to convey that.

It was in discussing this issue that I realized there was a simple solution to this problem: a unit, or units of measurement to measure love. Sure, you could argue all day about how love is an emotion and cannot be quantified, just like how you can’t measure happiness or sorrow, or whatever, and while technically that’s true, a unit of measurement for love could at least give us something to work with, so that when I say, “I love you,” and, “I love lamp,” I can at least give you an estimation of how much I love you compared to lamp (very little, lamp is amazing).

In thinking of how to measure love many ideas came to mind. Dandelions, starlit drives, roses: any number of things could be a unit of love. My mind being what it is, I thought of things like love songs and symphonies (and even more specifically, Death Cab for Cutie albums as a possible unit), but none of those things pleased me. As I thought on this, it was my girlfriend (Girl B…no wait, now I’m just being confusing) who came up with the answer: love should be measured in kittens!

And it makes sense. While kittens don’t have the same effect on everyone, most people go ga-ga for kittens. You put a kitten in a room full of surly lumberjacks and suddenly everyone is arguing over who gets to brush “princess muffins’s” fur. If you need proof of how awesome kittens are, look at the popularity of lolcats and tell me kittens aren’t a pretty much universal symbol for love already.

So the next time you go from Girl A to Girl B (or Guy A to Guy B for all you lady readers), you can tell your friends, “Oh, I love (Girl B) a thousand kittens! I only loved (Girl A) a couple hundred. See?”

HelloLion is a contributing writer for projectgroupthink. Follow us on twitter @pgtblog, for great justice!

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Lost in Translation

This is for a dear friend that I had a rather lengthy conversation with today regarding long distance relationships and essentially being married to the United State Navy. As with most relationships, their troubles lie in a lack of communication. Communication although the cornerstone, the basis for any relationship–is often pushed to the way side and it is usually for one of two reasons.

The first tends to be when individuals are forced to deal with the everyday stress, the daily hustle and bustle of life. Its important to take time out to talk to one another between work, household errands, chores, and outside activities.

The second, is when couples fall into thinking sentiments such as:

“He/she knows I love him/her, its not necessary to say it all the time,” or my personal favorite, “we know each other so well, we don’t even have to tell each other–its just magic.” The reason that last quote is my favorite, no matter how attune you and your loved one are, no matter how compatible, how perfect for one another, you are still in fact separate people who change and grow. So many lose sight of that.

Early in a relationship we tend to go out of our way to demonstrate our interest, affection, admiration, and tons of other oooeey gooey sweetness. Most individuals refer to this as the honeymoon stage. Its often the most enjoyable or exciting time of a relationship. Some assure young couples that even though this stage will pass–they will be over joyed to develop the love and relationship in all its various forms. However, there are others who mourn the loss of the honeymoon stage and make not so positive remarks about love and relationships.

Should this honeymoon stage merely be attributed to that new car smell to equate it to the child’s amusement with a new toy, or could it be  the condition of being reassured, chased, reminded of your personal uniqueness to draw in another human being? If the only enjoyable thing about a relationship was the mystique of the beginning we would not have relationships–we would all just go on fifty first dates, (or however many.) So what makes some more successful than others at long term monogamy?

I believe whole heartily that the answer is open and thoughtful communication, (obviously love is a requirement,) but a lot of couples who call it quits fully admit to still loving their former-other half. Of course there is a laundry list of examples why it did not work, but at their root–most issues stem from a lack of adequate and honest communication. I have heard many people express their relationship problems without focusing on communication because they talked a lot to one another.

True, you may talk all the time, but what are you talking about? Are you exploring each others new found fantasies, hopes, dreams, interests, or are you prattling on about how someone cut you off in traffic, the babysitter made a mess, and your boss left a stack of work piled up for the next day? If you are discussing the weather and all of your tedious annoying tasks and frustrations–its no wonder you long for a new spark. A person is more than just how their day went or what monotonous work they accomplished.

Our individual and common opinions and interests change, as we change and age. Anyone who enters a commitment expecting someone to stay exactly the same for the next fifty years is being less than fair. Too many couples grow complacent with their significant other because they think there is nothing new to find. In the same token, assuming that someone should automatically know your heart or your hearts desires is a rather poor assumption.

The point is–you have to keep an interest in knowing the person you are with. To show a real interest and make them feel special now and again. Sure you have beent here by their side, and were fantastic in the beginning, and swept he/she off their feet–but you probably had not realized how easy it was to bring those feelings fluttering back. Just a little extra incentive, a small gesture.

People who fall into a false sense of awareness, of knowing someone so intimately there is no need to be ask questions–rarely receive the right answers. Taking the time to explore each other anew or those sweet little gestures like just letting them know you think of them, (a note in the lunch box for instance,) whether its the first or thirtieth year–goes a really long way.

In any form of relationship–romantic, platonic, friendship, offering up a little show of consideration can mean the world to someone else, even if you do not understand it or find it irrational. So, to the husband who feels his wife’s need for reassurance is a lack of faith, trust, belief, try to rememeber that she just wants to feel like that gal you made eyes at, the one you separated from all the rest–all over again.

Communicating effectively is about honesty, sincerity, and genuine interest. Which, especially when it comes to love–should come effortlessly. Even if you have a hard time expressing yourself it is important to remember that simple words and gestures really do make the difference. Not everyone demands fireworks, a parade, or their name in lights. Sometimes, they just need to know you think of them.

eelliso1 is a contributing writer for projectgroupthink.wordpress.com. Get instant updates for this blog via Twitter: PGTblog.

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The Question of Love

“All you need is love.” All right, go ahead and hum the chorus fill, “doot doo doodoo doo;” it’s out of both our systems now. Focusing more attentively on the lyrical content of this refrain-turned-mantra, we see a claim reiterated to us in various forms by not only the Beatles, but by poets, theologians, and philosophers. Even Disney, that dark tyrant of corporate woe, steps down from its black throne to sing out with the Bacchanalian masses: “Can you feel the love the tonight? It is where we are.” But is it enough for our own “star-crossed warriors,” burnt and well-scarred by the pangs of heartache, to pursue the ideal further?

At our core, of course, we are animals. On the obvious level, we like to shag. Say it with me kids. “Shag.” Even makes one feel sexier, somehow more complete, doesn’t it? All you porn-star types can go ahead and hit me with a “fuck”if it makes you feel dirtier; the bottom line is that people dig coitus. But a further meditation, I believe, will show that even on the primal level, we crave a bonding that is more substantive than handcuffs or nipple clips. Even at the most animal tier of consciousness, a large number of people feel the desire to be a part of a pack, to love the tribe and have that love returned. Maybe this pack is small, a wild-eyed couple on their honeymoon who needs nothing and no one else. Maybe it is larger, a la Salt Lake City – patriarchy notwithstanding, I am sure that Mormons need lovin’, too.

 

The point is, we have two distinct drives in play when we take up the love gambit: one sexual, one interpersonal. One often seems to trip over the other, however, and the restrictions of the “social contract” complicate the matter further. Would that we might find some romantic sorting hat, that grouped us each with our own kind before we prowled the bars and singles’ sites – “You’re a polygamist,” it would call to us, each in our turn, “you should marry immediately and monogamously, and you simply need to fuck until your eyes fall out. Now go, all of you, and be happy!”

 

The truth is, neither of these drives can be reduced to a textbook definition. What for one person is the sex drive will for another seem some psychic torment (think a blushing traditionalist swapping brain-states with the Marquis de Sade.) And, of course, when one does find the elusive fruit that poets call true love, it may be doomed by one partner’s inclinations toward a romantic life into which the other simply cannot follow. I believe this escapes many of us on a daily basis, as Americans are wont to accept the tacit premise of monogamous marriage without question. And this is not to knock monogamous marriage, though the institution seems marred by bigotry in most states.

 

Perhaps you have considered this issue in depth – I would be quite intrigued to read what other seekers might have found. Perhaps these thoughts seem new, exciting, like the opening of so many spiritual doors within the unseen corridors of your heart’s subconscious yearning. Caution, young grasshopper, you tread a frightening but exciting road – trust yourself, but never the terrain. Or, just perhaps, you think this is a bunch of hippie bullshit, and that the author is single-handedly responsible for incurring both AIDS and 9/11 at the hands of a vengeful god. Be not afraid, oh traditional one – there is room for you as well at love’s table. Eat the fruit which suits your palette best.

 

(Note: the author takes as given that each lover’s needs may transcend gender – in a few generations, maybe we won’t even remember what homophobia meant.)

 Redpillneo is a contributing writer for projectgroupthink.wordpress.com. Get instant updates for this blog via Twitter: PGTblog.

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