Tag Archives: Sarah Palin

Please Die Already

Rage.

Rage.

There has been quite a hullabaloo recently about the healthcare reform bill, incited mainly by this man and this woman. Why are they ranting and raving about Democrats creating “death panels” that will decide whether or not the elderly† or mentally disabled‡ continue to receive medical treatment? Can’t they see that America is chock full of people ripe for Death’s annual picking?

The Democrats want people to have access to “end of life counseling.” That is a nice way of them saying “we want to encourage you to die without eating up millions of millions of dollars in care.” And the elderly and infirm DO eat up millions of dollars; 80% of the money you spend on healthcare will be spent during the last three months of your life. Is it really worth it? To spend hour after hour, barely breathing, barely thinking, hooked up to life support with a feeding tube in your gut?

Americans have become highly sensitive to the issue of death. I thought that the whole reason behind this mushy Christianity stuff was to make people comfortable with the idea of dying. “Oh, don’t worry, there’s always the afterlife! Feel free to pass away as you wish.” Nope. Christian evangelicals and conservative Catholics are amongst the most adamant individuals who support your right to clutch on to your existence by any means; even if your body and mind have rotted away to nothing.

Actually, they’re not even supporting your right to life; they’d keep you alive regardless of how you feel.

"Sir, we have found you to be too goddman crochety old for the State to continue financing your life."

"Sir, we have found you to be too goddamn crotchety old for the State to continue financing your life."

What about my right to death? Listen to me: people need to die. People have been dying for millions and millions of years. Its natural. It happens all the time. The problem is that no one has instructed us on how to cope with and move past these tragic events.

Wait. Tragic? It shouldn’t be tragic; it should be joyful. The joyful passing of your loved one. We are so far removed from our natural state of being that we no longer value death… excluding the deaths of our enemies; that has always been joyous.

Lion King

Even Disney supports death panels.

Human bodies were not designed (intelligent or not) to last forever. Our cells stop regenerating as well, our joints become rigid and sore, our systems fail to save over and over again until it gets to a point that your body just dies. All of this extensive healthcare is in denial of the natural ‘Circle of Life‘. Certainly the deaths’ of those who did not live up to the prime peaks of life are tragic; they died too soon. But that only covers people up to about age 40; if you live past that point, I will be joyfully celebrating your passing with explicit glee.

So lighten up. Embrace death (the insurance companies have been running death panels for years now). Maybe even buy a t-shirt. It’ll balance the budget for Christ’s-sakes.

You don’t want to be alive for the zombie apocalypse anyway…

†‡Not that either of these groups really qualify as  being ‘that alive’ in the first place.

jakefunc is a contributing writer and editor of projectgroupthink.wordpress.com. Get instant updates for this blog via Twitter: PGTblog.

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Filed under philosophy, Politics, science, social commentary

You Too Can Be President

As the days pass from President Barack Obama’s inauguration we find ourselves looking to 2012, the next presidential election; the future is always at hand (the leading cable news networks’ talking heads confirm this daily). And no one could find themselves more shit-out-of-luck than the good ole’ boys, the Republican Party. Earlier I thought that the party would split into two, smaller, more pitiful parties; maybe I was wrong. Oh well. Granted, even if Obama doesn’t manage to fix the U.S., or hell, screws it up more, there is a very small chance that he’ll be unseated; but I’m still left wondering who is going to be the new face of the G.O.P.

It could very well be you.

That’s right. You. The assuming, unaware, run-of-the-mill American. Do you remember your teachers in grade school telling you that “you could grow up to be President of the United States”? It’s true. Or almost true. You can at least run a campaign and be shot down by the mass public.

Mmmm... Sarah Palin, you are one dumb, sexy bitch.

Mmmm... Sarah Palin, you are one dumb, sexy bitch.

Just look at the potential nominees. Sarah Palin? That’s a real life American Dream come true; housewife turned mayor, turned governor, turned vice-presidential nominee. I think the requirements to be President have been trimmed down to U.S. citizenship and being able to read a teleprompter. Did you see the Republican Party’s reply to Obama’s inaugural address? Bobby Jindall is a fucking robot.

The rest of the field is just as bad. Mark Sanford is an adulterer (along with John McCain and Rudy Giuliani), Mitt Romney is a Mormon, Mike Huckabee loves Jesus, etc. etc. They’re all also totally out of touch with what the average American needs. This is where you come in: you’re that American. Who would know how to woo the votes of the average American better than the average American? Write down whatever it is you think and voila! Campaign platform!

What’s holding you back from the White House? Political ambition. You simply don’t have the networking power of any big name politician; which is why I’m telling you this now. You have 3 years to ascend to power and rob Obama of his high and mighty throne. It’s going to take hard work, blood, sweat and tears, and the brown-nosing of every Republican asshole you can find, but all you need is a belief in yourself (Yes I Can!) and the nomination will very well be yours.

jakefunc is a contributing writer of projectgroupthink.wordpress.com. Get instant updates for this blog via Twitter: PGTblog.

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Filed under Politics, social commentary